How to Gain Emotional Permanence
Have you ever found yourself worrying about how others feel about you when you're not with them? Maybe you question whether your partner, friends, or family love you as much as they say they do? These feelings are way more common than you might think, and they may point to something called emotional permanence.
What is emotional permanence?
Emotional permanence is the ability to believe that the love, care, and connection others have for you continues even when they aren’t physically present. Emotional permanence is basically the ability to regulate your emotions without getting carried away by doubts and insecurities, specifically when reassurance isn’t immediately available.
This term comes from a psychology term that you might have heard of called object permanence, rooted in the school of thought called the Objects Relations Theory. Object permanence is when a child learns that a toy still exists even though it’s hidden, and just like that, emotional permanence is understanding that someone's feelings for you remain intact—even when they aren’t with you or sharing those feelings with you.
Signs You May Have Emotional Permanence (And Why That’s a Good Thing)
Emotional permanence is a key component of feeling secure in our relationships. It’s what allows us to trust that we are loved and valued, even when we’re not being reminded. When emotional permanence is present, relationships feel more stable, and so do we.
But how do you know if you have a strong sense of emotional permanence? Below are some signs that you may already be practicing this important emotional skill, and why each one matters.
1. You Don’t Need Constant Reassurance
You’re able to go periods of time without needing your loved ones to remind you that they care. While you still appreciate affection and connection, you don’t feel panicked or unloved when it’s not immediately offered. You trust the bond, even in quiet or distant moments.
2. You Can Tolerate Distance Without Anxiety
Whether it’s a partner going on a trip, or a friend taking a while to respond to a message, you don’t automatically assume the worst. You might miss them, but their absence doesn’t trigger fears of abandonment or rejection. You can hold onto the emotional connection, even at a distance.
3. You Don’t Take Every Delay or Silence Personally
When someone doesn’t reply right away or seems distracted, you don’t immediately jump to conclusions. Instead of assuming you did something wrong, you recognize that others have their own lives and feelings, and their behavior isn’t necessarily a reflection of their love for you.
4. You Can Recall Past Expressions of Love in the Present
You’re able to emotionally “hold onto” loving words, memories, or actions from people in your life. These recollections help ground you when you're feeling lonely or uncertain. They remind you that you are loved.
5. You Feel Secure in Your Relationships, Even in Conflict
Disagreements or hard conversations don’t automatically shake your sense of connection. You believe that love can coexist with conflict, and that hard moments don’t mean your relationships are in danger. You’re able to navigate tension without fearing it will lead to emotional loss.
6. You Trust That People Can Love You Without Always Showing It
You understand that people express love in different ways and that not every moment will be filled with visible affection. You’re able to trust in the consistency of someone’s care, even during times when life is busy, stressful, or emotionally quiet.
Why is emotional permeance important?
Without emotional permanence, relationships can often feel fragile, they need constant work to avoid falling apart. The moment someone steps away or stops expressing affection, anxiety takes over which can lead to a constant need for reassurance, feelings of emotional distress, and cause strain in personal and romantic relationships. People with a strong sense of emotional permanence are more likely to feel secure in their connections and relationships with others. They carry the memory of love and support, even when it's not directly in front of them and this stability allows relationships to breathe and grow.
If you rarely question how others feel about you when you're apart, you probably already have a well-developed sense of emotional permanence. But if the doubts described above sound familiar, just know that you’re not alone—these feelings are often rooted in past experiences or attachment patterns, and the great news is that emotional permanence can be nurtured. Through self-awareness, therapy, and intentional emotional work, it’s possible to build more trust in your relationships and more stability within yourself.
At Risework Therapy, we understand how deeply emotional patterns can impact your well-being and relationships. Whether you're experiencing insecurity in your attachments (check out our previous blog to learn more about this) or you just want to better understand your emotional landscape, our supportive team of therapists are here to help! There are many tools for building emotional permeance including mindfulness practices and self-affirmation techniques.
Reach out today to learn more about how therapy can support your journey toward deeper emotional security with emotional permanence and how to cultivate healthier relationships.
